1 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:15,920 Hiya. Hey. 2 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,200 Oh, we're not a couple, by the way. 3 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:21,280 I am single and open to offers. 4 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,600 Maybe here's not the best place to be soliciting for male attention. 5 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,680 Hello! Hello, hello, hello. 6 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:33,240 My name's Twinky and I'll be leading the classes for mummies-to-be 7 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:34,880 and, er...and very good pals. 8 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,360 So, firstly, can I ask you all, 9 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,640 what is this? 10 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,160 The most beautiful thing in the world. 11 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:53,680 So, yeah, if you'd like to download my hypno birthing album, 12 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:57,720 it's, er, 17 tracks of me whispering affirmations. 13 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:00,760 It's only £15.99 on iTunes. 14 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,360 It's good. 15 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:04,680 Naughty Twinky! I'm not supposed to tell you that. 16 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:06,000 So don't inform the bosses. 17 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,840 Did we have any questions? 18 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,480 Yeah, I just wanted to ask about pain relief. 19 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:12,680 Why? 20 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,920 Because giving birth is really painful. 21 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,280 Which naughty scamps told you that? 22 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,080 Dorothy Downer been telling a few fibs, has she? 23 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,800 Sorry, are you trying to tell us that giving birth isn't painful? 24 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,400 Because that isn't what any of the baby books say. 25 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,720 Don't like books. 26 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,880 Actually, the most beautiful, natural feeling in the world 27 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,880 is the exquisite pain of childbirth. 28 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,640 So, let's not listen to any pessimistic little girlies. 29 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,000 That one's for you! 30 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,600 What if I tear? 31 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:47,440 Well, that's what Mummy Nature has demanded of your body, 32 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,000 and your body has answered her call. 33 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,640 Next. 34 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,040 What if I die? 35 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,480 Some people think that dying in childbirth 36 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,800 is actually better than medical intervention. 37 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,920 Although that's not something I can publicly endorse. 38 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:03,960 Again. 39 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,280 Oh, yeah. What now? 40 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,920 Twinky, how many babies have you had? 41 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,840 Yeah, erm... 42 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,760 I am mummy to three... 43 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,640 ..very feisty French bulldogs. 44 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,440 They didn't travel down your cervix though? 45 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,360 Oh, mate, she knows nothing about having a baby. 46 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:28,160 Those doggies suckled on my teats for two months, actually. 47 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,840 So, take your bad attitude, you're barred. Get out. 48 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,760 I only wanted to know about pain relief. 49 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,240 Did Mum have any drugs? 50 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:43,600 Oh, I can't remember. 51 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,240 She was definitely angry. But then your mum was always angry. 52 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:50,000 Giving birth or being annoyed at me putting up some wonky wallpaper, 53 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,160 it all just blends into one long shout. 54 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,680 Dad, why are you measuring my walls? 55 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,880 Oh! It's a surprise. 56 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,400 I'm not sure I want a surprise that involves a drill. 57 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,680 Oh, all right, I was just, erm... 58 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,400 I was just trying to be useful, you know. 59 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,840 No, I know. Sorry. 60 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,760 I just get worried about 61 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,800 how a baby's going to fit in to all of this. 62 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:15,840 Hey. 63 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,720 They're only little. 64 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,200 You know, in Finland, they give you a box to put them in 65 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,640 for the first couple of months. 66 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,080 Derek was telling me about it. 67 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,440 Hey? 68 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,920 Now, we can fit a box in here, can't we? 69 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,360 Oh, bollocks! 70 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,320 So, your solicitor called me. 71 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:48,880 You're not pleading guilty, then? 72 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,680 Course I'm not. 73 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,240 You are guilty. 74 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,040 I have a very strong case. 75 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,320 What case? 76 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,000 Sex game gone wrong. 77 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,160 You paid someone to push your fiance down the stairs. 78 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,440 I did... 79 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,920 ..but it was part of a sex game gone wrong. 80 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,120 How is that a sex game gone wrong? 81 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,600 Oh, I don't want to have to spell it out for you, Gemma. 82 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,680 Well, you're going to have to spell it out to a jury. 83 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,480 I knew you would kink-shame me. 84 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:18,840 You are so vanilla, Gemma. 85 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,000 No, it's not vanilla to not pay for someone 86 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,560 to be pushed off a fire escape as part of a sex game. 87 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,360 Yeah. Vanilla! 88 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,400 You and Dad will still be there, though, right? At the trial? 89 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,240 It's two weeks after my due date. 90 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:32,520 Gemma! 91 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,560 I'm going to try, I promise. 92 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,000 But I'm not sure I can even bring a two-week-old. 93 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,920 Isn't it contempt of court or something? 94 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:42,040 Can't Auntie Jess look after it or summat? Nope. 95 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,560 Her and Dad haven't spoken for years. 96 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,120 What about the father? 97 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,680 You remember I went on holiday to Portugal? 98 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,680 It happened on the flight back. That's where I got pregnant. 99 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,400 On the plane? Mm-hm. 100 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,640 In the toilet. With a total stranger. 101 00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,800 Not so vanilla now, eh? 102 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,440 Oh, super vanilla. 103 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,080 You come back to me when you've done it in the cargo hold 104 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,840 next to a crate containing two drugged-up German Shepherds. 105 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,360 All right? 106 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,480 That didn't happen. 107 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:12,840 It did. 108 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,200 Yeah, I think the whole Becoming Mummies business model 109 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,120 is based on none of us having a clue. 110 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,640 Which is why I called Jess earlier. 111 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,360 Jess? 112 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:26,480 Your sister. 113 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,960 Who else would I be talking about? 114 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,760 I don't know. Erm... Jessica Fletcher? 115 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,600 Dead, fictional Jessica Fletcher? 116 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:34,760 No, not her. 117 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,080 Auntie Jess. Her and Tyrone 118 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,400 have invited us over for dinner this weekend. 119 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,480 I'd, erm... I'd rather not, thanks. 120 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,000 Come on. 121 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,560 See the new house. She says they've just got a hot tub. 122 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,760 Yeah? Well, I'm not...not a hot tubby type of person, am I? 123 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,000 Please, Dad. 124 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,320 Be really helpful for me to talk to Jess about all this. 125 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,760 She's been through it, you know, having a baby on her own. 126 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,760 Well, I'm sorry, I'm double-booked. 127 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,720 You're not even single-booked. 128 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,520 Tyrone's not that bad. 129 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,200 Well, not to you, but he hates me, doesn't he? 130 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,640 I think it's cos he used to suck cocks for crack. 131 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,400 Why would that be the reason he hates you? 132 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,400 I don't know. You know, maybe I remind him of a punter 133 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,040 who ran off without paying. 134 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,760 Dad, you can't not see your sister because her boyfriend bullies you. 135 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,640 I know he bangs on a lot about the cocks and the crack, 136 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,880 but he has a skip hire business now. 137 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,560 You know, maybe he's mellowed. 138 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,160 You can't avoid him forever. 139 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,520 Well, I've avoided him for three years. 140 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,000 Just need to carry on for a bit longer 141 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,200 until one of us dies, don't I? 142 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,360 I don't want that now. 143 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,720 Hold your breath, Gemma. 144 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,520 I'm just fixing Winnie's do. 145 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,000 The advice isn't to hold your breath around chemicals, 146 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,480 it's to avoid them altogether. 147 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,280 What's that, Rita, love? 148 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:45,280 Oh, apparently hairspray makes boy baby bits go all small. 149 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,520 It's PC gone mad. 150 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:49,320 Hairspray can cause genital growth defects in baby boys. 151 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,560 I'm not making it up. 152 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,040 Big Pharma told her. 153 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,800 Is it a boy then, Gemma? 154 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,800 I don't know. I want it to be a surprise. 155 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,640 Oh, like a Kinder egg? Yeah. 156 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:01,440 I mean, if I give birth to a small plastic camel 157 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,920 that comes in three parts, that would be surprising. 158 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,720 Do you want kids, Rita? 159 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,120 Me? No. 160 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,480 Love my fanny too much. I mean, I'm still as tight as 161 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,280 the lid on a jar of out-of-date Marmite down there. 162 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:16,120 You can pass that information on to your father, when you see him later. 163 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,840 I can't think of any information I'd want to pass on less. 164 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,320 A little boy with normal-sized bits. 165 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,200 Do you find it weird to think that 166 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,080 maybe you've got a little winky growing inside of you, Gemma? 167 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,320 I do now. Thanks. 168 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,680 Hiya. Lunch? 169 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,320 Thank God you're here! 170 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,080 Ladies. 171 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,000 He's lovely. 172 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,000 Brings her lunch every week and they're not even doing it. 173 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,440 I heard that. 174 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:47,920 Oop! Ahem... 175 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,000 I don't know why I thought they'd offer up wisdom. 176 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,360 Rita spent most of yesterday 177 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,920 talking about Ronnie O'Sullivan and puppy farming. 178 00:07:56,920 --> 00:08:00,880 Well, er, talking about strange combinations... 179 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,080 ..tuna and lemon curd sandwich as requested. 180 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,160 Oh... 181 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,280 You were joking about craving tuna and lemon curd, weren't you? 182 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,720 I'm so sorry! I didn't think you'd actually make it. 183 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,320 I didn't, don't worry. 184 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:20,120 I got this from the, er... the Boots meal deal. 185 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,160 Do you want the cheese instead? 186 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,680 Thank you. 187 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,760 Pregnancy is so weird. 188 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,200 It is really weird. 189 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,840 Does the baby kick much? 190 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,200 Mainly when I'm excited. 191 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,840 Can I? Or is that inappropriate? 192 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,360 Doesn't really feel like kicking anyway. 193 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,360 More like someone's put a bag of eels in my uterus. 194 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,800 Did you feel that? 195 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:54,960 Yeah! 196 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,800 She letting you have a touch? 197 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,120 Won't let me near it. 198 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,160 "I want to have a feel, Gemma!" I keep saying to her. 199 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,080 You've got incredibly cold hands, Rita. Yes. 200 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,600 And I am very proud of them. 201 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,160 Should, woulda, coulda been a pastry chef. 202 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,000 If I wasn't allergic to pastry. 203 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,240 Ten centimetres? 204 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,520 You know, I reckon I could get my head through that. 205 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,120 You think you can fit your head through your daughter's cervix? 206 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,480 Well, now you put it like that, I think... 207 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:27,680 You said you'd be helpful. 208 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,640 Sometimes baby does get stuck in the birth canal 209 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,920 and needs a little bit of help to get out. 210 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,240 Does anyone know what we would use in that situation? 211 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,480 Oh, me! Yeah? 212 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:37,880 Butter. 213 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,440 Nobody uses butter to get babies out. 214 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,000 For fuck's sake. 215 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,880 That's actually a very good suggestion. 216 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,280 Anything natural, 217 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,600 over those nasty instruments. 218 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,640 Sorry, so butter is better than forceps? Yep. 219 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:58,640 So, after baby's born, Mummy will need to birth the placenta. 220 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,640 Oh, we didn't have that, when you were little. 221 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:02,800 The placenta? 222 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,440 Yeah, yeah, your mum didn't have that. That's a modern thing, that. 223 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,080 Yeah, it's... It's woke, isn't it? 224 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,200 So, you can have a hormone injection to speed things up. 225 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,760 What's better? Having it or not? 226 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,920 Well, having the injection cuts the chances of Mummy haemorrhaging. 227 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,680 But it's not as beneficial to baby. 228 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,120 Oh, well, you're not having that. 229 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,080 She's not having that. 230 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,640 If it's better for the baby, then you're not having that. 231 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,080 Now, don't forget that you can buy 232 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,000 my organic mummy and baby supplements. 233 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,520 Just £19.99 a bottle, so... 234 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,280 Just grab those on your way out. 235 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:42,600 Oh, we do find that natural mummies like these, so probably not for you. 236 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:47,880 You want to be helpful? 237 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,720 Come with me to see Auntie Jess. 238 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,160 Whoa! I wonder how many cocks you'd have to suck 239 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,680 to get a house this big. 240 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,720 Reckon Tyrone lives there? 241 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,400 I really don't want to do this, Gemma. 242 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,400 I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you. 243 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,680 Oh! Hiya! You've found us. 244 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,480 Malc. Gemma. 245 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,600 Oh, it's not a fucking skip! 246 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,080 Fuck's sake. It is a skip. 247 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,640 No, it's an advert for Tyrone's skip hire company 248 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,760 but the neighbours think it's a skip. 249 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,240 Because it's a skip. It's not a SKIP! 250 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,120 Oh, it's lovely to see you both. 251 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,600 Shall we? 252 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,000 Oh... 253 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,240 You look well, Jess. Yeah. 254 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,000 Tyrone pays for me to get a colonic once a month, so... 255 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,640 Ooh, trifle! Thank you. 256 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,760 OK. Come on then. 257 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,840 You can do this. 258 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:56,720 Now we're in the new house, 259 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,880 Tyrone has a very good footwear system in place. 260 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,400 "Footwear system"? 261 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,400 Shoes off. You can pop some slippers on before leaving the air lock. 262 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,640 Then when we head outside, 263 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,160 there'll be garden sliders for everyone by the patio doors. 264 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,840 Ooh! 265 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,440 Oh, eh! Nice new house, Jess. 266 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,200 Are you going to give us a tour? Yeah... 267 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,320 Actually, I don't want either of you going upstairs. 268 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,720 But Jess can videocall you from the landing, show you round that way? 269 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,160 OK. It's fine, thanks. 270 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,880 How's the warehouse then, Malcy? 271 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,360 Been promoted to tea boy yet? 272 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,040 I wish! 273 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,080 I'm sorry again about Davina. 274 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,920 Do you need a wee, love? Yeah. OK, go to the loo. 275 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,760 Don't you dare piss on those slippers! 276 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,560 By the way, Gemma, congratulations, love! 277 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,600 Aw. Thank you. 278 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,600 It's just a little something from me and Tyrone. 279 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,640 Aww! Yeah. 280 00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,680 Ooh... 281 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:00,880 Cabbage leaves? 282 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,760 Yeah, it was Tyrone's idea. 283 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,520 You stick 'em in your bra when your boobs get sore. 284 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,600 I mean, they'll be rotten by the time the baby comes, 285 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,240 but it's the thought that counts, isn't it? 286 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:14,440 Yeah. You know, I have heard some breast-feeding horror stories. 287 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,400 Oh, yeah. I could only face it for 24 hours. 288 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,040 I've got that Sad Nipple Syndrome. 289 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,040 What? Sad Nipple Syndrome. 290 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,560 It's where if anything or anyone touches my nipples, 291 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,520 I'm just overwhelmed with a sense of melancholy. 292 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,560 She telling you about her unhappy fun bags? Yeah. 293 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,800 That's not a real thing. Oh, it is a real thing. 294 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,440 Yeah. Sad Nipple Syndrome's a real thing. 295 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,640 I can't go anywhere near them 296 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,560 without Jess feeling existential malaise. 297 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,320 Ain't that right, baby? Yeah. 298 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:43,640 Her arse, though... 299 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,400 Oh! 300 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,960 Cheeky. Yeah. 301 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,080 I built that skip hire business from the ground up with hard graft. 302 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,720 Zero cocks, zero crack. 303 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,000 Amazing. No cocks whatsoever? 304 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,440 I've got the car, I've got the house. 305 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,440 All that was left was the hot tub. 306 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,120 Lamb casserole, Malcolm. 307 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,520 My favourite. 308 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:22,920 Davina could never eat lamb. 309 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,160 You know, cos she liked that film Bambi so much. 310 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,800 Oh, yeah. 311 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,760 Dad, Bambi was a deer, not a lamb. 312 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,200 Oh, she must have got those mixed up then, sorry. 313 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,400 Yet Davina couldn't keep away from the kebab table at your ma's 70th. 314 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:39,080 Maybe she loved lamb, but you just couldn't provide her with any. 315 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,560 She doesn't like it, Dad. 316 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,320 How many weeks are you, Gemma? 28. 317 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,680 Third trimester! Exciting. Yeah. 318 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,400 I was hoping you had some advice, actually. 319 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,720 Never eat yellow snow. 320 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,760 Is that the only thing you won't put in your mouth? 321 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,440 I mean about being a single mum. 322 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,440 Oh, we don't discuss things like that at the dinner table. 323 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,680 Things like what? 324 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,680 Jess's past. Ty, I'll be quick. 325 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:11,000 Why don't you boys get some more drinks, eh? 326 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,440 Go on. 327 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,960 Come on. 328 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,440 He doesn't like to think about stuff like that. 329 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,480 My bits are very special to him. 330 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,080 Yeah. 331 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,120 Do you wish you'd waited to have Mia? 332 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:29,120 There's never an ideal time to have a baby. 333 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,280 You can be in the perfect relationship, 334 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,440 with the perfect bank balance and then, 335 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,000 in the blink of an eye, life can fuck it all up. 336 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,160 A friend of mine was married, great job, 337 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,280 had a baby with the love of her life but then he... 338 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:44,720 Cheated? 339 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,960 ..got eaten by a shark in Thailand. 340 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,080 You see that? 341 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,640 That air fryer cost me a grand. 342 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,080 Never used it. 343 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,320 Never needed to. No idea what it does. 344 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,040 And I wasn't alone. 345 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:11,960 Your dad would always come over if I needed anything fixing or painting. 346 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,040 He'd bring you and Catherine, and babysit Mia if I wanted a night out. 347 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,960 God, I don't remember any of that. 348 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,200 Look, I know he can be a real wally sometimes, but... 349 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,240 ..he's going to love that baby more than anything in the world. 350 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,560 And then, later on, if you find someone to pay for 351 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,280 a little nip and tuck downstairs, then even better. 352 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,920 Oh, here he is. 353 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,120 When do people get in the hot tub, then? Is it after dessert, 354 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,720 or are you saving it for your sex parties? 355 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,240 They'll be no-one getting in my hot tub. 356 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,440 Even I'm not allowed in the hot tub. 357 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,840 Thank God, eh, Malcolm? Malcy here's scared of hot tubs, in't he? 358 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,400 Are you? 359 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,880 I don't know. 360 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,120 He is. He definitely is. 361 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,440 Erm, well, you know, they're not my favourite thing anyway, so, yeah. 362 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,200 You two are just here to look at it and admire it. 363 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,280 There'll be no grubby people getting in my hot tub. 364 00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:58,600 Isn't there chlorine in it? 365 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,000 Yeah, I can afford chlorine, Gemma! Jesus. 366 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,360 I just don't want people, other than me, in it. 367 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,440 You wouldn't get in a bath with me, would you? 368 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,120 Absolutely not. 369 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,800 No. No, I wouldn't, no. 370 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,960 I'd like to thank everyone for coming here today, 371 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,240 to celebrate me and Jess hitting a milestone in our relationship. 372 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,680 Ten years ago, when I first met Jess, 373 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,480 I was on my knees sucking cocks for crack. 374 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,120 I was good at it. 375 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,520 I sucked a lot of cocks, but I also got a lot of crack. 376 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,480 I didn't realise, at the time, that I'd hit rock bottom. 377 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,080 I quite enjoyed it, actually. 378 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,040 But then Jess gave me an ultimatum, 379 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,000 that night in Pizza Express. 380 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,200 She said stop sucking cocks for crack, or lose her. 381 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,320 So, I stopped. 382 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,640 And now here I am, a decade later 383 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,240 with the most successful skip hire business in the North West. 384 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,160 So, I'd like to raise a glass. 385 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:01,880 To the hot tub. 386 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,880 Ah, OK. 387 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,200 Hot tub. 388 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,520 You know, you and that baby are totally fucked 389 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,120 if you think he's going to be of any use. 390 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,040 Dad's been a lot more helpful than you'd expect, actually. 391 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,800 You all know it. Jess knows it. 392 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,560 Useless brother, useless husband, useless dad. 393 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,280 And he'll be a useless grandad to that little baby. 394 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,760 And he's scared of hot tubs. 395 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,000 It's the only reason I bought one, 396 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,880 to see the fear in Malcolm's eyes. 397 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,040 I'm not. 398 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,280 I've remembered now and I'm not. 399 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,480 Yeah, I didn't think he was. 400 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,840 Yeah, you are. Otherwise, what's this fucking tea all about? 401 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,800 Right, I'll show you! 402 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,920 What's he doing? What's your dad doing? 403 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,160 I honestly have no idea. 404 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,520 Malcolm! Sliders off before you go in the house, Malcolm! 405 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,920 Malcolm! Dad, what are you doing? 406 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,200 Right. I'll show you. No, no... No! 407 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,760 I'm going to show you. 408 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,760 What are you... Oi! Oh, my God! 409 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:52,160 No! Weyyyy, ha-ha! 410 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,520 Right, I'm going to sit in here 411 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,720 and eat my lovely trifle by my lovely daughter. 412 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,920 And I'm going to let this water float away all my cares. 413 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,520 Malcolm, get out of that hot tub. 414 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,160 No! Oh, eh... 415 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,560 Whoa! No! 416 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,000 That's going to fuck the filter. 417 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,240 Get out, Malcolm! Hey, this is good, love. 418 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,600 Jess, he's made it all mucky. He's made it all mucky. I know, baby. 419 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,600 Oh, fantastic party, Tyrone. 420 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,040 Look at that. 421 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:18,960 Bloody lovely. 422 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,000 Is your partner late again? 423 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,680 No, I'm doing it alone, actually. 424 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,800 Oh... 425 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,200 Hello, everyone, I'm Dr Rush. 426 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,360 I've been asked to take over this Becoming Mummies course 427 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,960 because Twinky has been arrested. 428 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,440 Let's get some questions and we can see where the gaps are. 429 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,280 Is it possible to legally force the midwife 430 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,760 to follow my birth plan to the letter? 431 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,160 And can we sue them if they don't? 432 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,600 Planning a birth is like planning a car crash. 433 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:04,200 We all know what we'd like to happen, steer into the skid, 434 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,280 but sometimes you just have to take your hands off the wheel. 435 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,120 That's a no, then, is it? 436 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,240 A birth plan is what you hope for. 437 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,040 Not what's actually going to happen. 438 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,120 That's not what Twinky said. 439 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,160 Well, Twinky was a bell-end. 440 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:23,840 You have no control over any of this, 441 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,440 beyond your own attitude. 442 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,480 That's what makes this all so terrifying. 443 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,240 But empowering, too. 444 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,200 Can I ask my partner to try and avoid pain relief? 445 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:36,560 I mean, she should ignore you. 446 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:37,800 But, yeah, you can ask her. 447 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,920 Why don't you try slamming his balls into a car door? 448 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,920 And if he can get through that without pain relief, 449 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,360 then have the conversation. 450 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,800 Hey. I have something to show you. 451 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,560 OK. 452 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,320 Ta-dah! 453 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,520 Dad... 454 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:15,080 Oh, Dad! Yeah? Eh? 455 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,480 Not so useless now, am I? 456 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,120 No. Amazing drill work. 457 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:27,000 Yeah, well, I know my way around a joist. 458 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,760 I don't even know what a joist is. 459 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,400 I'm so glad you like it. 460 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:35,400 I'll put dinner on. 461 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,640 Shit! What was that? 462 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,400 Nothing, nothing. 463 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,160 Shite!